The Secret Life of Panda

complainte de bleu chaton

i wrote a 20 page letter. on the front i wrote your name. i told you about my heart and the way you make it feel. i told you about my eyes the way they water as you walk in different directions. as you pull yourself together while im slowly falling apart. watching. watching. watching from afar.

i wrote a 20 page letter. wait. maybe it was 15. i told you about my skin. how it turns green with envy whenever another being steals. yes steals your attention. it’s mine you see. mine. mine. mine. it should be mine. to keep . to have and hold and cherish. i….i…maybe quite possibly….feel that thing for you…you know the one that everyone says boys are afraid to say..to commit to..well girls feel the fear to. and i’m afraid . i…i love you.

i wrote a 15 page letter. wait. maybe it was 10. i told you about my soul. how it’s torn. ripped open. pining for you wishing you were close. wishing you were here. wishing. wishing. wishing. and yet here i am alone. you have no idea what this melancholy feels like . to be the only partially sane soul awake a 3:45 a.m. on a saturday thinking about the way i wish things to be.

i wrote a 10 page letter. wait. maybe it was 5. i told you about wishing. about wishes. my wishes that never came true. as my girly naive eyes look into the sky. im standing drenched in morning dew screaming out wishes. ” dearest lover! please! come here! ” but you’re not my lover are you? arent you? are you? i dont know. this is what i fear.

i wrote a 5 page letter. wait. maybe it was 1. i told you about how rejection feels or the fear of rejection. the thought of being sent away. unwanted. how as much as i love you im cant trust you somedays because the stupid wormy thoughts in my brain tell me “it’s not okay to trust others. dont listen to their words. you’ll only fall down and get hurt and in the end be worse than the pathetic excuse for life you are now.” 

i wrote a letter.wait. maybe i didnt. but if i had. i would have told you about this ache i feel when i wake up and you’re not there. about how lonely it is to know that you’re out there in the world and i’m stuck here in my world. i would have told you how i feel when we argue. when you’re sad. when you keep things from me. i would have told you about how it feels to be up at 3:45 a.m. on a saturday wishing that i didnt feel like crap because my brain tells me you’re mad at me. or that i’m mad at you . oh hell at this point i dont know.

i didn’t write a letter. wait. maybe i did. i told you i loved you more than words can describe. that my tongue gets so tied up and my brain gets a case of the stupids so i can never truly say what i feel to you. i told you that im working on it. please be patient. so patient. cause this seemingly tough wild cat has a soft kitten middle. when i say i don’t care i do. 

i wrote a 20 page letter. its all about you. and me. and how if we think really hard about the equation. and if it’s fine with you. all my..my’s and i’s can become us’s and we’s. i wrote you a letter. well. what do you think?